


Dave Strider's Guide to Being in Love

by Up_OWL_Night



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crushes, Dorks in Love, M/M, Multi, One Sided Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-23 13:57:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4879474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Up_OWL_Night/pseuds/Up_OWL_Night
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the title says, Dave Strider's guide to being in love.<br/>(Hint: it's total shit.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dave Strider's Guide to Being in Love

**Author's Note:**

> Literally wrote this in a random moment of inspiration. Hope you guys enjoy!

If you're reading this, it most likely means that you're having some romantically related problems that you want some epic, amazing, Strider advice on. Or you just feel like laughing at the douchebag writing this, which in that case ha ha laugh it up asshole and take a complimentary fuck you on your way out the door.

If you actually need some advice, then I took some time out of the very important things I do (yes I do important shit fuck off you sound like my sister) to write up this list of what to do if you fall in love.

 

Step 1.

Don't.

Just don't do it man. Don't go down this fucked up path of treachery and dramatic music and singing in the rain because hell it's less "Serendepity" and more gorging on ice cream in your apartment while you curse out every happy couple on the face of the planet.

If you've failed to follow step 1, well then buckle your godamn seat belt and move on to the next step. Looks like we're in this one together fucknuts welcome to Naam.

 

Step 2.

Don't let them know.

Sorry to break it to you, but they probably won't return your feelings. Chances are that you're deluding yourself if you think a relationship is gonna come out of this and you might as well give up now.

Flirting is okay, but you have to give yourself an out. In case they don't take your "did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" Or "buckteeth are actually super attractive" or maybe "do you yell that loud in bed too?" particularly well, you need an out. A way to play the entire thing off casually. Now there are a couple options on how to do this, all of which have worked for me.

A. Break off into an ironic shpeel. Start talking about how beavers are actually going to overthrow the President, or how god is actually probably some sassy black woman, or anything. They'll write it off as the usual bullshit.

B. Just say "no homo." Shit works every time.

C. Rap. For the love of gog man just rap. It can be about literally anything. If you can't rap? Of course you can rap that shit is so easy a horse could do it. What are you, Disney? Anyhow, rapping will either-  
1\. Have them write it off as more of your usual bullshit. Or  
2\. You'll both burst into an impromptu rap battle. It's a win-win situation.

 

Step 3.

Now this step is specifically for you dudes that happen to be in love with your best bro. For starters- yes, yes it fucking sucks let's move on.

Again it all goes back to step 2, don't let them know. You don't want to fuck up your friendship, else you'll lose the best thing that ever happen to you. It's hard to distinguish your bro being supportive and friendly from them implying that they return the mushy feelings you've been hiding since you were 13. It's easy to take this shit the wrong way, and mess everything up.

So yeah, it'll be hell. Get over it.

 

Step 4.

Whether you're head over heels for your best bro or just some other random attractive dork, it's important to support their relationships. Honestly it isn't really your business and you gotta get over that pit of jealousy in your stomach and continue to be their best bro or just a bro in general.

This rule does not apply if they are dating a total asshole, possibly a Spiderbitch of sorts. In that case tell them the FUCK off because hell no we don't put up with that shit.

If they aren't dating a total ass, then you gotta support them. Even if they date your teenage mom or your shouty alien friend. It's all good. 

The fact that they are in a relationship is the worst thing ever, I get it. And if you're close, there's a good chance they'll be bringing their S.O. over to parties or hangouts and the two of them will be acting all couple-y. That's gonna suck balls. Get over it.

 

Step 5.

Now what if, you fall in love with two people. Well what if one of them isn't in a relationship? 

Then focus the hell on that dumass. What are you even still doing here? Go jump on that horse while you still have a chance.

If they're both in a relationship, just refer back to the last step and stock up on ice cream.

Now what do you do if the people you have a crush on are dating each other?

You're fucked.

I'm not even kidding you are royally fucked.

I have experience with this certain thing, and it Is. The. Absolute. Worst.

You have to deal with BOTH the people you like being all couple-y with EACH OTHER. It's really hard to decide whether them making out is hot as fuck or call for more ice cream. (Usually both)

Good news though!

Actually there is no good news.

Haha sucker.

 

Do you finally get the point? What all these steps tell you? Let me spell it out for you:

Love. Fucking. Sucks.

So I'll refer you back to step one.

Don't. Fucking. Fall. In. Love.

Sad to say it's too late for me. I'm totally, literally, unironically, in love with the two biggest dorks on the planet. But it's not too late for you, young padawan. You can choose to not go through this angsty, hormone-induced, adventure hell. 

Or maybe you don't really get a choice.

Love's funny like that.

**Author's Note:**

> So here's this. I'm thinking of making a series based off of this idea, from Dave's point of view. Endgame would be DaveJohnKat. What do you guys think?


End file.
